


Solanum Dulcamara

by lilacnightmares



Series: Flowers of Paradise [15]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Hugs, Implied Cult Background, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ray wakes up in the Secret Endings, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28299279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacnightmares/pseuds/lilacnightmares
Summary: Ray had long thought that he was good for nothing and that he was meant to be erased the moment that the strongest was birthed into this world. What he never expected was to wake up nearly two years old in the midst of a world that was so removed from the one that he knew it was like he had been erased from existence and only awakened to be shown what he could have if he wasn't so pathetic. An outstretched hand tells him otherwise.Set Post-Petunia. A standalone fic that can read without reading any of the other stories in the series.
Relationships: Choi Saeran/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Flowers of Paradise [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271537
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Solanum Dulcamara

It was hard to describe what it felt like to wake up when it felt like you had just been awake and up to whatever you needed to do and to take care of at that point. Ray had been at Mint Eye, hunched over at his desk as the delirium washed over him and then, nothing. 

Nothing for a long moment till he opened his eyes and found himself standing in the middle of a room that he didn't know, his body stiff but somehow not sluggish with dread and exhaustion. Something had told him that he needed to be here, but he wasn't sure what that feeling was. It was just one of the alarm bells. 

He was standing straight upright and ripped from the pool of water that had been holding him under as the color mint bathed his vision for hours, if not days. He inhaled a sharp breath and found himself looking at the room he was in. It was bright, with no windows, but it wasn't Magenta. It couldn’t be his room in Magenta. 

It was too bright. 

It almost made his eyes want to flutter open and shut as if to test reality. He was standing in the middle of a doorway, the hallway was illuminated by artificial light and his fingers brushed against a keypad he didn’t know the code to, but somehow he was inside. The wall was adorned with photos that he could not quite make out the people within. 

It seemed like a house. 

Magenta didn’t look like this. 

It was more like a hotel, of sorts, made to look the same to confuse anyone that thought to do something that they shouldn’t when they weren’t receiving the right amount of elixir to get them where they were meant to be.

Ray wanted to inspect more but he couldn’t discern the details because a voice drew him from his thoughts. "Saeran?"

He nearly recoiled when a voice spoke at his side, turning his head, he was surprised to see a girl not only say his name but seem ready and willing to converse with him. She was a bit shorter than he was, her head roughly reaching his shoulder and her brown curls framing her face in a short bob. 

The curls made him wonder what it would feel like to caress the edges with a smile. The bows she was wearing made her look adorable. She was wearing a pink fleece sweater that hung off her shoulders, knotted with a flower clip around the strings of her undershirt. It was much too big, as she must have borrowed it from someone.

And, she was looking at him like she knew him. But, she didn't know him. She knew Saeran. She knew him. Why else would she say his name like that? She knew Saeran and was involved with him ins some way. Which was a puzzling question in it of itself. 

Saeran was living a life with the body that he had no idea of and it was too much information to process all at once. There were just too many questions for him to unpack. 

Where were they? What was this place? What was even happening? Where was Magenta? Where was the Savior? Where was he? Who was this woman? Why couldn't he hear Saeran's voice in mind? They had been able to speak to one another far more often in the past but now it felt like... there was a hazy wall. 

He tried to know what wasn’t clear. The girl said Saeran's name again, and he knew he couldn't ignore it. So, he nodded his head and decided to improvise. He had spent enough time with Saeran, he knew what he used to be like but this wasn't...

No.

He had to figure this out.

This girl, this woman, she had many answers and he could get them if he played carefully. He was more fearful that this was some kind of trap but there was no sign of that. He was overthinking it, he always overthought what he was feeling, being an airhead who didn't know when to stop or leave well enough alone.

"...Sorry. I was just thinking," he said. The girl didn't lose her smile as she approached him and wrapped her arms around him. It Ray a bit of energy not to flinch or pull away. He had never experienced a hug before, but this way, and as she nuzzled her face against his chest, he could feel it sputter. “Did you ask something?”

"I understand. It must have been a long session today. It took you a while to get home, I was just about to go out looking for you to make sure you didn't just sneak out to get ice cream without me. I'm glad you're home, though. I was just asking how therapy went.”

Home?

This was their home?

It was odd to keep his tone as flat as possible. Ray wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be kind to her or if he was supposed to be rude. What had Saeran done in the time that he wasn’t here? How long had it been? It didn’t make sense. He just had to see to make sure that she didn’t think anything was wrong until he was alone. "I would never get ice cream without you?"

"Don't feign innocence, Choi Saeran, you would leave me for a good Rocky Road," her laughter was bright and airy. She lifted her head to gaze at him, her brown eyes filled with something that made his chest clench. "I'm kidding. I know you would share with me if you did. C’mon, we need to get started on dinner."

Ray needed to know who she was. Why was she acting like this? Were they... involved? He never knew Saeran to be someone that could be kind to others because he guarded his heart like a knife so someone being this sweet didn't seem real. 

Domestic life? Living like this? That was something that Ray never imagined but he didn’t know who to trust or listen to at this point. He was supposed to be locked away where he belonged. 

She must have been an angel or a saint... if Saeran was willing to love someone as sweet and warm as this. He didn’t have the time to think of an excuse to leave her sight, Ray had never had a confident voice but he did know how to play around and along with whatever someone wanted. His Savior had always made sure that he knew how to do that.

Ray could fake it till he made it out of her sight and could look through anything that Saeran had on hand to tip him off. He had used to make notes in a journal to keep track of those times when he had forgotten things, and he might have been still doing that. He just had to find where it was and read it. 

“Alright,” he said, simply. The words felt foreign against his tongue but he was working with what he had to see how she would react. “I hope that I didn’t hold you up too long… darling.” 

Heat washed over her features. Though, she didn’t comment on the name that he returned. She merely led him into the kitchen and the two of them sought out to begin their work. It was easy for him to get into a rhythm when it came to things like cooking, baking, or haking. It was easy to focus and just let his fingers do the work. 

Ray managed to learn a few things without arousing any suspicion. He just had to play around with his questions, like, the first thing that he checked when she wasn’t looking was the phone that had been in his pocket. The screen glimmer with life and he nearly dropped it when he realized that it was a photo of Saeran and this woman. 

His eyes were tired but he didn’t look lost. Her eyes weren’t much better, but her smile was wider than he was. It seemed like he was happy, happier than he had been in the past when his anger burned so hot that it scorched Ray to the earth in shatters and ash in his wake. 

The passcode was something that he could unlock, given they had a set number of codes that they used. 

Just from that alone, he managed to open the text messages and figure out her name. Her name was Lila with a little heart tacked onto the end. He knew that she was foreign and that her pronunciation of the language was a bit haphazard, so that explained one question. Saeran was in… some kind of relationship with this girl. 

Before he could search deeper, she called out to him and he had to get back to work. 

The second thing that he learned made him overwhelmed. This wasn’t just a house where the two of them were living, there were other people in the household. He didn’t have any idea who they were or where they came from. 

One person was… a stretch but more than that was a little too much for Ray to wrap his head around. 

He made eye contact with a girl with blonde curls that he nearly mistook for his Savior, but she was far too tall, she was taller than he was. She smiled and made eye contact with him from the doorway and then continued on her way. Not long after that, a man with raven locks darted by as if he were looking for the blonde. 

Okay, this girl, Lila, and a few other people lived here. Were they family? Did Saeran know them or was he close to the others? 

Lila clicked her tongue and sighed. “It’s too quiet tonight, I guess with Saeyoung out for the evening, they’re willing to behave. It’s always much too loud whenever they get riled up. Oh, well, I’ll take what I can get. I’ll never understand how Judas and Minji appreciate his brand of chaos.”

Ray felt his hand tighten around itself when she said that name, His heart began to race, almost scared out of his mind and ready to run. Did she say that name? Was this a trap? Was someone messing with him? Was this a test? Was his Savior testing his loyalty with something like this? No, this couldn’t be a test but—

Why would Saeyoung…? 

No, no. 

Saeran would never let this happen! 

She didn’t seem to notice that something was wrong. She slid next to him and took the knife from his hands to return it to the sink. “Why don’t you go ahead and relax, Saeran? I’ll handle the rest of this if you want to cool down from your session. I’ll bring dinner when it’s done, too. Since Saeyoung’s not here, we get the luxury of not eating at the table for another family meal. Relief, right? Haha, anyway, I’ll see you in a bit.”

It was like he was running on pure autopilot the minute that she said that he could leave the room. Ray had to act like nothing was out of place, but he was sure that his quickened steps would be noticeable to anyone that looked at him for longer than a moment. 

However, he had to get out of there and find out what was happening to him. 

The layout of this house didn’t make any sense. Some countless rooms and hallways lead to places that he didn’t know. Most of them were shut but he had the luxury of the fact that it seemed as though the bedrooms were labeled. He had a feeling that Lila was responsible for that, at least for the ornate one that hung on the door that seemed to hold a font that wasn’t his or Saeran’s. 

The flowers were a tip-off. 

What kind of world was this? 

Saeran had never been… invested in flowers as much as he was, but he liked being able to breathe in the outside air. It would be no surprise that he would be drawn to a girl that was into that sort of thing if he ever grew interested in someone. She seemed nice, but he could only think about that name that made his stomach clench.

She wasn’t the issue, he opened the door and shut it tightly with a push that was a bit firmer than he intended. He winced but waited to see if anyone was going to follow or check on him, but they didn’t. That meant that they were used to Saeran having tantrums or at the very least, they knew that it wasn’t odd for him to do that. 

He looked over the room and tried to breathe in all the information as the revelation that Saeyoung lived here ran through his veins. There wasn’t a lot to go on. It was like he had never existed, but this wasn’t Mint Eye. Anything that had been his was gone. It was like he was erased. But, why was he even here? 

Why was he awake? 

What was the purpose? 

Saeran was the strong one… and he was supposed to be their weakness. He shouldn’t have been awake if they were okay. 

Pilfering the objects in the room, he would only find photos of Saeran and Lila, as well as other trinkets of the two of them. It wasn’t much but he had a better idea of their relationship now. She seemed to be his rock with a blinding smile on her lips. Her smile wasn’t like the Savior’s smile, it was much wider and sweet. It made his heart stutter. 

Ignoring the notion of Saeyoung just made it harder because he wasn’t supposed to be here. He was an intruder in Saeran’s life now, instead of the other way around. Saeran… Saeran was going to be mad if he woke up soon and realized that Ray had— They had never seen eye to eye on many things, but it’d been years. 

Maybe… Maybe Saeran thought he was dead? 

Ray thought he was dead. 

But, pinching himself only told him that he was alive and that he was awake. What happened? What had made him go to sleep?

The pain had been too much back then… he could… he could remember the burning ache of the elixir as the Savior told him that he wasn’t good enough and that he needed to be gone if he wanted to win and it just… it was too much. Saeran had woken up and Ray felt himself fade away into the abyss and now, nothing. 

He was in this life that he didn’t belong in.

Why? 

Why would Saeran need him? 

Ray unlocked the phone again and started to search through it for answers, for anything that could tell him why Saeran was living with Saeyoung, and why they were okay with it. What was going on? It felt like he was going to suffocate. There was a knocking at the back of his head like he was going to get a headache but—

He bit his tongue and ignored it. 

Saeran made sure to lock everything tight with a lot of codes and it took Ray a few minutes to bypass everything that was coded. But, he found it, he managed to locate what he wanted. He could see logs and notes of what had been happening and it was too much to take in all at once. The phone told him that it was two years beyond the last time he was awake. 

Ray had been gone for two years and everything that was his was gone, and it was like he never even existed. That was the way that it was always meant to be. 

They weren’t at Mint Eye anymore because of the Savior…?

It wasn’t clear why. 

Whenever Saeran wrote something, it was more of an angry fit as he wrote down what was bothering him and those questions often made him more confused than reassured. All he could see is that one day, something happened with Lila. Then, it all changed. He wished that Saeran was more clear with his thoughts. 

All he could see were pages lined with guilt about hurting Lila and about how he made mistakes that nearly cost him everything. “Why… why would you leave? Did… Did the Savior hurt her because of you?”

There was no response. 

When that didn’t explain enough, Ray tried to keep himself from breathing too hard, swallowing in a breath at a time. That left the phone gallery with pictures and any text threads that he could see with the members of this household. It seemed like most of the photos were taken by Lila on his phone, and it made him uneasy to see Saeran like this.

Why had their head become this ghastly shade again? 

He flipped through all of them as his heart raced and pounded against his chest, seeing more and more of a life that wasn’t his. Saeran being sprawled out on the grass, Saeran free to watch the sky, Saeran free to do anything he wanted, like get ice cream, or sleep. 

What was this? This wasn’t the future that they had expected or planned for! He scrolled all of the way to the bottom of the phone until he hit the locked folder. It had another password. His first attempt to open it was failed, but he decided to hit it again with another passcode that triggered the key. There, he thought. 

“...?”

Photos of Magenta. 

Photos of the sky. 

Photos of the garden.

Photos of Lila. 

It told a story that he didn’t know the words to tell. Of a girl with long curls who beckoned him from the darkness with a friendly smile and showed him how to be happy. But, something happened that he wasn’t going to find out if Saeran hadn’t explained all of it. All it told him was that he was gone and that this time he was gone—

Erased him the way it was supposed to.

So, why was he awake? 

Why was he being subjected to this? 

Exiting that folder, he found himself frozen as his eyes landed on another picture. The phone was thrown across the room when his fingers hit one photo that held Saeran and Saeyoung together, the latter smiling as if he hadn’t hurt them, and Saeran letting him touch his shoulders. 

He wasn’t looking at his brother, he was looking at something off-camera. It felt wrong. It felt fake. All of this had to be fake. This was fake. All of this had to be fake. He wasn’t here. This wasn’t happening. It was a dream. He was going to wake up in Magenta. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no,” he whimpered over and over again as his nails clutched at his scalp. Why was he awake? Why was he out? Where was Saeran? He couldn’t do this— This wasn’t his life anymore, he was an intruder—

It was too much.

————————————

Lila noticed that something wasn’t quite right. Right wasn’t the correct word to say, though, it was more like something was different about Saeran. Now, she had known him for months. She had been through so much with him, and it wasn’t a strange thing to say when she said that she knew him better than she knew herself these days. 

You learned a lot about someone when you spent all your time with them, and she could say with certainty that after living in Mint Eye with him. Sure, some of it had become a blur when it came to the months that her memory was hazy as the elixir burned into her veins, but a lot of it was still present first and foremost in the center of her brain.

Her Saeran was disgruntled, tired, snarky, and had the gall to tell someone when he didn’t want to tell with them. She knew that it was his way of deflecting much of the softer emotions because it was easier for him to deal with other people as someone that wasn’t…  _ approachable _ . She knew that and she liked being the closest to him. 

But, as of late, there were moments when she felt like he wasn’t all there. It may have been from his therapy, he was working on himself and it had gotten a bit harder as they tackled more difficult topics. He didn’t want to talk to her about it and she didn’t ask him if he wanted to talk about it. There was a glaze to his eyes. 

He was lost in thought a lot. 

Lila knew that if he wanted to discuss something with her, he would let her know, and most of the time, it would be through text messages. It was easier for him to vent when he was writing. But, he hadn’t even been doing that. While he would talk to her and he would listen when she spoke, it was like—

Saeran was balling up everything inside. He had never done that, not even as Unknown. She never had to guess. He let her know what he was thinking as deeply as it went and to see him doing this, it didn’t make sense. A part of her wondered if this was because of his memories. Was he struggling with one of those memories that had been locked away? 

Trauma worked a lot like that, it could block you from remembering something that you weren’t meant to know.

Was he trying to avoid it? Was it something… he felt ashamed of? Was it something he remembered? Saeran always said that there was so much that he couldn’t remember about his childhood and Mint Eye. He couldn’t even remember what it was like when he’d first been taken there by Rika. It was like that memory was gone. 

She couldn’t imagine what that was like, but she knew what the elixir did to her memory. He had been forced to drink it for two years, maybe more. If a few months did what it did to her by making her numb and angry, she wondered what it would feel like for it to be that long and what that would do to your psyche. 

Lila didn’t want to find out firsthand. That was a luxury and she knew it. 

Either way, something wasn’t right. Now, she knew that Saeran loved her and she knew that she loved him. It was just… there was this silence between them as of the last few weeks that made her paranoid. Whenever she would lean over and brush his lips against his cheek—

His reaction, if briefly, wasn’t what it once was. 

And, it always happened after he returned from therapy in the evening. A part of her was kind of paranoid that he was skipping his sessions and felt guilty over it. But, another part of her was scared that something more was going on. She just kept it under the tip of her tongue for a while until the unease bit at her ankles. 

Just the way that he interacted with Saeyoung felt odd. Nobody would say it or point it out here, but whenever his brother got close, Saeran would slide closer to her every single time. That wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary but what was not quite in the realm of what she was used to, was that tremor in his eyes. 

His mint eyes, normally hardened and tired, holding the glimmer of a wide-eyed doe who seemed to be learning how to walk in the winter on the ice. It didn’t make at all any sense. It just felt… silly… to say anything when it was probably nothing. 

That is to say, she thought that it would pass if she allowed Saeran to deal with whatever was bothering him on his own until he spoke to her about what was bothering him all this time. 

She wanted to say that it was okay, but it wasn’t. She knew it wasn’t because after searching the entire bunker for him and couldn’t find him anywhere. He never hid from her, but everyone else? Yes, but not never Lila. She was always the exception to the rule. 

Lila thought that was the exception. But, she couldn’t be selfish about this. Saeran didn’t have to tell her everything that he was dealing with. She just couldn’t handle the notion that he was suffering alone like this. She didn’t want him to feel like nobody cared or that she didn’t want to know what was wrong with him lately. 

The last place that she had to check was his room. The rest of his usual spots gave her no answers to his whereabouts. She hadn’t bothered to look there first because it was too obvious for him to do that. She tapped on the door a few times after listening in to the room and hearing something faint, “Saeran? Is it okay if I come in?” 

No response. 

She opened the door and shut it behind herself with a gentle nudge. She didn’t want to startle him or anything. Lila looked around the room and found him bunched up in the darkest corner of the closet he could fit himself into, his eyes fraught with tears and nails digging into his skin as his breathing remained haphazard. 

“Hey,” Lila said, gently. “What’s going on?”

He whipped his head up as he realized that he wasn’t alone in the room. His eyes were wide and he snapped his attention away from her once more when he found the time to do it, flinching when she started to get closer to him. 

She held out her hands and showed him that she was not holding anything. “It’s okay. I won’t touch you if you can’t handle that right now. But, we need to work on your breathing, my darling. Listen, we go in on one and out on ten, follow me, okay? One… Two… Three…” 

He seemed reluctant but he obeyed everything that she said. 

She guided him in and out until his breathing had evened out and he was able to think better as his lungs weren’t burning with exhaustion. It took a few minutes for him to get everything out of his system. Though, he was still struggling with the lingering tears in his vision.

It was a start, she thought. “…”

“...” He wouldn’t meet Lila’s gaze. Lila sat down on the ground in front of him and leaned closer, her fingers brushing against his cheek and wiping away some of those stray tears as she shushed him. That tremble wasn’t a good sign but he wasn’t trying to run away. That was better than she thought. He’d never been the type to run. 

Not unless he was overwhelmed. 

“Saeran,” she tried. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but you’ve been… you’ve been acting out of sorts lately. I don’t know what’s wrong but I want to. I can’t know unless you tell me what’s wrong. I don’t want you to be suffering on your own. I promised that we would be in this together, remember? So, I can’t help if I don’t know.” 

“I know that it’s not easy. But… you haven’t even texted me when you want to talk about it. I don’t know what’s wrong. I want to help you but I’m not going to make you talk to me if it’s something that you don’t want to discuss. I know that I can’t fully understand what hurts you but I’m… I’m listening. I’m here, and I want to help, please. I want you to feel alright, but I can only help if you let me.” 

He looked back at her, this time, his eyes guilty and wrought with sadness. It was as the weight of whatever was bothering him was starting to overwhelm him to the point where he couldn’t hide it anymore. He was like a lost puppy that had been left in the rain.

It broke Lila’s heart to see him so miserable and lost. “Please, Saeran. I want… I want to be there for you right now. Talk to me.” 

He lifted his hand and nudged her fingers away from his face, though, he stared at her tiny palm in his hand for a long moment. He said something but his voice was so soft and quiet, and there was the faintest hint of a tone that seemed out of place for Saeran. 

She blinked, confused. “What? What was that?”

He looked at her, and this time, he didn’t look away. Those tears of his were still in full-force. “What if… What if I’m not Saeran, though?” he asked. “After all, he is your boyfriend.. and I’m… I don’t… I don’t deserve your kindness, it wasn’t meant for me. I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t exist here anymore.” 

Now, Lila was even more confused. “What… What do you mean? I’m afraid I’m a little lost here. You’re Saeran, though? How could you not… be Saeran? If you  _ are  _ Saeran?”

“Saeran…” he said, quietly, looking at their hands. His thumb traced a pattern on the back of her hand as the tremor in his voice grew. It was the only thing that grounded him. “Please don’t be upset with me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant— I wasn’t supposed to— I’m not supposed to here and I— You’re just so nice and— I’m so—”

Lila reached out with her other hand and took ahold of his. She was confused, but she wasn’t going to let him spiral again. Even if he wasn’t Saeran, this was still Saeran’s body, and anyone that was a part of Saeran was someone that she would care for, no matter what happened. So, she needed to get to the bottom of this. 

“Slow down,” she gently urged him with a smile. “Start from the beginning. Why are you sorry?” 

“Saeran… hasn’t been… handling therapy very well lately,” the man who hadn’t given her his name yet said. “They’ve been talking about Saeyoung a lot and what happened when… I… we… I mean, he was abandoned. He’s so overwhelmed by the end of the sessions that I— I take over to make sure that nobody notices how bad it is. I guess that’s why I woke up in the first place? I’m not sure, I’m still confused.” 

Okay. So, this had been happening for a while. 

“How long has this been going on?” Lila prodded. She wanted to understand, so she needed to know how long it had been. “I mean, how long has it been since you first came out?”

“A few… weeks,” he said, softly. It hadn’t been often but at least two or three times a week he would come out. “I don’t know why I woke up. I… the last thing that I remember before I found myself here was being alone in Magenta, and then nothing. I guess I… I was too weak… I… Saeran had to take over again for me… I…” 

Things were starting to click together a lot now. Like, why Saeran couldn’t remember a lot from those earlier days and it was because he had been the one around. If he wasn’t there, maybe there had been no way to get those memories in the first place? And, by opening up again, he was subjecting himself to try to find those memories that didn’t exist to him. 

Since this guy was awake, right? 

God, what had this man suffered? What had Rika subjected him to time and time again until Saeran woke up and he couldn’t handle it anymore? She had seen firsthand what happened to Saeran, and she had taken his punishments for him after she demanded his suffering stop, and… her memories as Wisteria in that place were a bit warped. 

Day by day, her anger over what Saeran suffered grew. 

She was broken from her thoughts as he spoke again, “I’m… I’m sorry. I lied to you. You… you’re a nice person. You love Saeran a lot and… I know how much he… loves you. I woke up one day in this bunker and you were right there with me. I didn’t know what was going on… I…I knew that I had to make sure that nobody thought that he was struggling, that was the only thing that I knew.” 

It was starting to make sense, though. Whenever she had caught Saeran, rather, Ray, right after he got home, he would always avoid her eyes. If she leaned in for a kiss, he wouldn’t respond to it, often trying to move so that she would peck his cheek instead. When he was sleeping late at night, it wasn’t often that he faced her as he rested, but—

Lila had noticed it was far more often than it used to be. His fingers clutched onto the fabric of her shirt while he slept, and the tiniest of whimpers and cries escaped him. Saeran was never audible in his sleep like this. So, this man reacted to things differently. When Saeran lashed out, this man was more likely to lash inward. 

Her heart clenched in her chest and her eyes lowered to his arms. Saeran had taken to wearing long sleeves again and from the way that he had been adamant about not rolling them up, she had this strong feeling that he was clawing himself whenever it got like this. She was prone to doing that with her anxiety. 

So, she understood that fear. 

There was a world in those eyes of his that Lila couldn’t comprehend. Even as someone that was there in Mint Eye, she could never know what it felt like to be alone in that place. He was hurting, his pain went so much deeper than his skin and she wanted to console him. She wanted to console him and let him know that he was safe. 

“I thought if I was awake again… then the least I should do is make sure that Saeran doesn’t lose this nice life he has. So I… I let everyone think that I was him but I’m not Saeran. I’m not even supposed to be here— I’m nothing, I’m an airhead, I was supposed to be gone years ago— I was gone for two years and… we were not in Mint Eye, we were here with… Luciel… and you…” 

His voice caught in his throat, “I figured out what happened when I… looked through his phone and I asked you a little about things whenever I could… but I… I thought it would only be once. I thought that Saeran would come back and that I would be dragged back into the darkness again where I belong and I— But, I kept coming back out here again and I kept taking Saeran’s time with you.”

Took it? 

How was he taking it if Saeran was overwhelmed? How could he steal something if they had shared it in the first place? It sounded to her like he was trying his best for Saeran… she saw nothing in his acts that sounded cruel or malicious. He was trying to help Saeran, and that was nothing to be scared or ashamed of. 

“If Saeran was so… overwhelmed that he couldn’t be… out here, then I don’t think you took anything from him,” she supplied with a shake of her head. “If anything, I think that you’re… helping him out. If he needs to breathe… then, you’re taking care of him when he’s hurting the most right now. I think that’s a noble thing, not theft.”

A gasp left his lips. He looked back at her, confused even more, not sure why she seemed to be interacting with him positively. His lower lip was tucked underneath his top row of teeth as he held onto her hands. What had Rika done to him? 

With Saeran, she knew that he had been tricked and burned until he couldn’t stop. She made him seethe with anger until he felt nothing but the urge to strike and hurt others. It was only when she showed him a shred of kindness—

That a spark still inside of him was brought up that let her save him. She was starting to get a better picture, sort of, he wasn’t Saeran, but he was a part of him. 

Or maybe they were a part of each other, she wasn’t sure. Granted, she wasn’t a mental health expert or anything but all of the times with his dissociated states, alongside the confusion that came with it were sort of was one of those tipping off points to better understand this. She just knew that she had to help him right now. 

Something told her that Saeran would want that. 

Mint Eye was hell. If he was someone that suffered with Saeran, then she wanted to know him and she wanted to comfort him. Lila couldn’t stand to see anyone hurting. He seemed in need of comfort and reassurance, and she could provide it. 

He hurriedly shook his head. “But I— I’m not Saeran. Why would you want to— be close to me, I— I was lying to you about who I am.”

“What’s your name, then, is it okay to share that with me?” she asked, wanting to know what to call him since he was not Saeran. She didn’t mind this. That wasn’t an issue right now. She was talking to someone that was upset and needed to be heard. Anything else could wait for a while. Her heart was not the type to stand by when someone needed help. 

She wouldn’t let anyone hurt. 

Not like this. 

“…Ray.” 

“Well,” Lila smiled. He blinked through the tears as if he were trying to discern if that was a smile or not. “It’s nice to meet you, Ray, officially, anyway, Thank you for taking care of Saeran.” 

His voice was quiet. “You’re… You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” she asked. 

His shoulders fell into a weak shrug as if he had no answer to that. It seemed like he hadn’t had a lot of interaction with other people, either. That isolation must have… she didn’t want to think about that if she could help it. Lila did her best to smile reassuringly at him. 

“You woke up somewhere you didn’t know, and instead of panicking, you decided to deal with everything on your own instead. You’ve gone all this time trying to help Saeran alone and even you must have your breaking point. Why would I be mad at someone who has been through things that I can’t imagine and woke up in the future without any warning? If anything, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Do you want me to stop holding your hands?” 

Ray paused, but then shook his head. His digits clung to her tighter as if he were asking her to not let go of him.

“I’m not Saeran,” he said again. “Shouldn’t you be mad that… he’s not here and I’m…” 

“No,” Lila said, immediately. She wasn’t upset. It just meant that she had more to learn about her love and the world. “I love my Saeran, I always will with all of my heart and all of my soul. But, if he’s not out here, then there’s a good reason for it and he’ll talk to me about this when he’s ready. But, you need someone to listen to you, too. You’re here now, and so am I. How long have you been balling this up?” 

“Since the first night,” he admitted. 

“Oh, Ray, I’m sorry. If I knew—” 

“You couldn’t know about me… it… it wasn’t… I didn’t want to say anything and make Saeran upset about it. He didn’t even realize what happened until after the first couple of times. We both thought… I was dead. But, I guess… I’m not. I still don’t know for sure. I’m… It still feels like I should be at Mint Eye.” Ray looked at the ground as if ashamed. 

He didn’t want to even admit to her that he had suffered anything. He was trying to do so much for Saeran’s sake. 

That was a selfless act. 

“I was at Mint Eye, too, you know?” she said softly. “So, if you feel like you need someone to talk to about that… about how we got here in the first place, I’ll tell you… or you just need someone that’s gone through it, too. I know what it felt like to take the… you know.” 

Ray lifted his head. He met her brown eyes and squinted. It seemed as though he and Saeran didn’t share memories. Huh. Perhaps the disconnection that they had suffered was to blame for this? “You… were?” 

“Yeah. That’s… That’s how I met Saeran anyway. We escaped, though. It’s a long story, Ray. You must have been lonely back then. I’m sorry I didn’t find him… or you… sooner, maybe if I had been able to do that…” Lila trailed off, her tone still unsure. 

It wasn’t like she knew who he was back then. She wasn’t even from Korea. She still felt guilty she hadn’t met Saeran sooner. She wasn’t sure what she would have done if they met differently but she always wanted to be there for him. 

Ray shook his head, hurriedly. “Please, please, please don’t blame yourself for my suffering. It’s not you— You’ve been so kind to me since I met you. I know how kind you are… I’m sorry if you…. if you were hurt… there. I don’t know if it was our fault or… you… you’re not the kind of person that belongs there, you’re too sweet, too caring, not meant for the darkness like an airhead like— like me, I—” 

“We can talk about it when you’re ready,” Lila provided with a frown. He seemed to be overwhelmed by all of it. It could wait. “You’ve had a very rough time, Ray. Let’s focus on trying to get you feeling better, first, okay? Do you want a hug? Saeran always makes a show out of it whenever other people are around when he wants a hug, but we’re alone… and I don’t know how you’d react to that. So, is that okay? It usually helps him.”

She gestured for him to come forward as she held out her arms for him. Ray looked reluctant but he allowed himself to curl up in her arms and bury his face in her chest. Her fingers smoothed down his hair and attempted to fix some of those unruly red curls. 

He sucked in a long breath that he had been denying himself. 

“It’s going to be okay, Ray, I promise it will be,” the name felt foreign on her tongue but knowing that he trusted her with this information made her feel better. 

There was so much that she didn’t know about Saeran, and now… Ray as well. But, she wanted to be there for him, and for them, as much as she could be. “I’m not upset with you. I’m happy that I get to know you, now. So, please, if it’s okay… you can trust me when you come out and feel like this. I will listen to you. I always listen to Saeran and I’d be happy to be there for you, too.” 

A whimper choked the back of his throat and he settled into her grasp, feeling wanted for the first time in his life. Ray dug his fists into the fabric of her sweater as the soft fleece reminded him that he was alive and breathing. She smelled of cinnamon and caramel, and something sweeter that he couldn’t quite figure out. 

It was so unlike how he tried to drown everything in the scent of flowers to drown the burn of the elixir. His body hadn’t taken it in a long time but it was still on the back of his throat. He just slowly allowed himself to break down for the first time in weeks…  _ years _ . 

What was this warmth? 

“I’m sorry,” he croaked once more. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I’m here, Ray,” her delicate voice promised. “It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be upset. I know you’ve been fighting so hard for Saeran, but you have the right to be yourself, too. I’m not going to leave you here alone.”

Ray shut his eyes and just let the storm wash over him as he grieved what he lost and let himself accept that change was here for him, but he wasn’t as scared as he was before with her honey voice guiding him to remain calm and above the water. Her lips brushed against the top of his head as he settled against her form. 

It was a selfish wish, but he wanted to believe that this time, he wouldn’t disappear and that maybe he could start to better understand this new world and the girl that saw him when nobody else had even bothered to look.


End file.
